Dancing
Alone Excerpt
Chapter One
 It was the end of August in 1980,
and Shea Prince was scurrying around trying to get the kids
ready to go to the sitter's so she could get to her job interview
on time. She lived out in the country on a small acreage just
north of Oklahoma City; it would take her at least thirty minutes
to drop the kids by the sitter then make it to the appointment
on time.
She was a simple country girl through and through, raised
riding horses in her Levi button-fly jeans. She had never cared
much for dressing up in the past, although she curiously admired
women who did. She found herself drawn by the beauty of the
women who had that 'finished look,' always taking in every
detail from the tops of their trendy hairdos to the tips of
their fancy high heels. She wanted to learn how to get that
look, that flair, but she knew it took money to achieve and
that was one thing she did not have.
"Let's see, what should I wear?" she
thought, as she stood in front of her open closet.
Shea hadn't worked in years, so her professional wardrobe
was rather limited. She found church clothes, around the house
clothes and even let's go ride horses clothes, but she could
find nothing appropriate for a job interview.
After searching through every article of clothing, she quickly
selected the newest addition to her wardrobe, a fitted butter-cream
linen skirt that hit just at the bend of her knee, along with
a matching linen cap-sleeve blouse and stiletto heels. She
wished she had a dark suit to wear because she knew it would
look more professional, but that was one of many luxuries she
had never owned or been able to afford. She felt lucky she
had a pair of stockings that were still in good condition.
As she finished brushing through her long, golden hair, Shea
slid a matching headband into place. With a final glance into
the mirror, she applied her lipstick and gave herself a little
pep talk.
"You really need this job Shea Prince,
so smile, be friendly and listen more than talk. You look
great, well for what you had to pick from anyway, so get
out there and get what you want!"
Shea was a 24 year-old woman on a mission to get a job that
she desperately needed. As she looked into the mirror, she
saw a sparkling determination in her big blue eyes that had
never been there before. She knew she could do this. She had
no choice.
Shea picked up her one-year-old daughter,
Angel, grabbed her purse then yelled, "Come on Johnathan," to
her son who was only three years old. She stopped by the
entry closet pulling her old briefcase from the top shelf,
believing it would make her look a little more professional
if she carried it into the interview.
As she flung open the door of her double-wide trailer, the
hot dry Oklahoma wind hit her in the face and blew her freshly
combed hair off her shoulders into Angel's face. Shea did not
want to be late or miss this chance for a bookkeeping job only
a few miles from her home.
"Where are we going, Momma?" Johnathan
asked, unaccustomed to being taken out so early in the morning.
"Ah, Momma has an appointment this morning," Shea
said nervously, not wanting to give him too much information.
"Why?" Johnathan questioned again. "Just because,
Johnathan, I found a really nice lady who has children you
get to play with. You are going to have so much fun!" Shea
tried to sound excited, and to change the subject.
"Who are they?" he continued
with his questions.
"You'll see Sweetie, now listen to the music," Shea
said as she turned on the radio, feeling herself becoming a
little edgy.
She stopped at the sitter's house and waited a moment to make
sure they would be okay. As soon as they started playing with
their new friends, Shea left through the side door and drove
as fast as she could to get to her interview.
Driving down Second Street, Shea gripped the leather steering
wheel so tightly her knuckles turned white. Anxiety was setting
in about the interview process, but more keenly about her linen
suit getting soggy or crimped before she made her appearance.
It had to be at least 103 degrees outside and with no air
conditioning in her little blue Ford Mustang the probability
of looking fresh by the time she arrived was almost nil.
As Shea rounded the corner onto Guthrie
Avenue, she saw a light blue metal building with a sign that
read "Kinkade
Electric, Inc." She was expected in four short minutes.
Her chest tightened and the beat of her heart rang loudly in
her eardrums. She needed to calm down: she did not want to
appear scattered or up tight. Parking the car, Shea inhaled
a deep breath of confidence, opened the car door and reached
for the leather binder in the back seat.
"I can do this," she thought
as she shut the car door and started for the entrance into
the building.
Once inside, Shea took the first chair under a long row of
windows. No one else was in the room. She carried the application
and pen from the desk and sat quietly as she looked around
for signs of what kind of people would be working at the electrical
company. The nameplate on the reception desk read Monique Kinkade.
"Oh great, Monique Kinkade. Probably means this is one
of those family businesses," Shea thought to herself. "I
hope it's not one of those mom-and-pop companies with all the
siblings arguing and vying for the lead role." With those
thoughts going through her head she wanted to bolt out the
nearest exit and escape before anyone noticed her.
"Okay, just stop it!" Shea thought, "Pick up
that application, fill it out and calm down." Shea took
another deep breath and as she exhaled she began filling out
the application. Within minutes she steadily calmed down.
About fifteen minutes had passed when two voices that had
been muffled by distance earlier, suddenly appeared closer
in the hallway just across the room from Shea. She could hear
their voices getting closer, then the two male voices moved
on down the hall and out of the doorway just in front of her.
One extremely attractive gentleman, 30ish she thought, was
wearing a black, pin-striped, three piece suit. The other man
was wearing a blue work shirt with Kinkade Electric written
across the pocket of the shirt.
"Hmmm," she thought to herself,
guessing the one in the three piece suit to be the son of
the owner. Shea looked directly at the man wearing the suit,
catching his eye. He returned her glance, then his eyes moved
back to her immediately for a second look. Shea gave a little
tilt to her head as to say hello, and found it hard to take
her eyes off of him. He was medium height, kind of a big
guy, with almost black eyes making her think of Al Pacino,
her idol. His medium-length, pitch-black hair grazed the
collar of his jacket. His olive skin was covered by a freshly-starched
white shirt. His eyes glistened as he looked at Shea, and
she felt as though she could see his soul in those big, beautiful,
expressive eyes.
Smiling, he took a step toward her, leaving the workman behind,
still talking, as he extended his hand to shake hers.
"Hi, my name is Gaven Kinkade. Are you Shea Prince, my
ten o'clock appointment?" he asked with a friendly smile
and a firm handshake.
Shea looked at him smiling and said, "Yes, sir, I am.
Nice to meet you," as she returned his firm handshake.
"Sorry I'm running a little late. Hope you weren't waiting
too long," he said, looking down at his watch.
"No, I have been here just long enough to fill out this
application," Shea said as she handed the paperwork over
to him.
"Good! Follow me and let's get on with this interview," he
said with a devilish smile as he spun around and headed back
down the hallway.
Sitting in his office, Shea noticed plaques all over his walls
from different civic groups he had volunteered for or made
donations to. The wall was quiet impressive, filled with his
many accomplishments. Shea could just imagine all the people
he had met and places he had visited.
The questions began as Mr. Kinkade looked over Shea's application,
past employment, what she liked to do in her spare time and
where she would like to go in his organization. He explained
his opening was a full-charge bookkeeping position paying $1000
a month. Shea already knew she wanted the position, but she
wanted to know more about his family organization. Mr. Kinkade
let her know the only family who had worked for him was his
soon-to-be ex-wife, Monique, and that was the position that
needed to be filled. He explained that he was the owner, and
had started Kinkade Electric four years ago.
During the interview Mr. Kinkade appeared very friendly and
when he asked questions, he seemed truly interested in what
Shea had to say. She was put at ease by his sparkling eyes
and his friendly smile. All she could think about was getting
the job. Shea took time to question him on his company's goals,
along with the benefits offered with the position she sought.
The interview lasted just short of an
hour. As soon as they were finished Mr. Kinkade led her to
the front door. Shea felt pretty sure she had the job when
he said "You would be
an asset to my reception area." It was clear he liked
what he was looking at.
"Do you have any other questions?" he
asked.
"No, I guess that will do it," Shea
said, feeling reassured as she left his office.
"I plan to make my decision today," Gaven
said as he extended his hand to shake goodbye.
"It was nice meeting you Ms. Prince," he
said, squeezing her hand.
"Thank you. It was nice meeting you, too, Mr. Kinkade," Shea
said as she gripped his hand, and turned to walk out the front
door.
On the way to her car, Shea had a peaceful feeling. She had
said all the right things. She felt good about it all. She
had done her best, and knew that was all she could do.
After leaving his office, Shea went by to pick up the kids
then went straight home in hopes of getting the call.
She had barely gotten in the front door
when the phone rang and a familiar voice said, "Can
you start on Monday?"
Her heart leapt up in her throat as she
gasped, "Sure,
Mr. Kinkade!!"
Silence fell for a moment then with a
voice that sounded as though he was flirting with a smile, "Call
me Gaven, okay?"
Slightly embarrassed, she said " Okay. See you Monday,
Gaven." The phone clicked and she shrilled with excitement "I
got the job! Thank you God!" She started prancing around
the room. The children giggled as they watched their mommy
prance around the room, doing her victory dance in excitement
for the new job.
Shea was so excited to have a job, to be going back to work
after being at home for almost six years raising little ones.
She had come to a point where her identity had been lost, she
was a mother and wife but nothing more. It had been a long
time since she'd done anything for herself. This was her first
step.
Shea and her husband Josh lived on three acres in a double-wide
trailer, barely making it week to week on one paycheck. She
had married right out of high school, never giving thought
to her future or a career. She had married her high school
boyfriend, the one and only man she had ever dated.
Josh was the high school football jock who had won Shea over
at the tender age of sixteen. Shea was on the pom-pom squad,
and every Friday night after the game, she would run out onto
the field, proudly escorting him to the locker room. They both
felt lucky to have won each other over, but their relationship
became strained just before Shea's senior year. Josh had graduated
two years before, and was jealous of the boys he thought Shea
might meet in school. He'd been working for a farmer since
his graduation, and by the time Shea was a senior, Josh made
sure she had an engagement ring to wear to school, putting
his stamp on her, and telling all the other boys, to keep their
hands off.
Shea found his jealousy to be attractive. It made her feel
he really loved her. She was excited to be getting married
and looked at it as an escape from a home she had long ago
outgrown.
Once they married, Shea found out fast
that Josh was a very prideful man, never allowing her to
do anything outside the home, save for a few church functions
that he felt safe about. Josh had kept Shea home the way
he wanted it. It was always his way. Within only a couple
of years, his favorite saying to her was, "A woman's place is in the home, besides,
what else could you do? Who would even want you?" Shea
had heard those words so many times in the last six years that
she truly believed she was worthless outside of the home. He
kept her humble, dependent on him because he made her believe
she could never take care of herself. He convinced her she
was just a dumb little country girl and should feel lucky for
everything he provided for her.
Josh had grown into a big, burly, intimidating man who quietly
ruled his home on his own terms. He controlled everything that
happened in his home or his family's life. He kept control
of the checkbook granting Shea five dollars a week for all
her expenses, like gas, make up or prescriptions for the children.
He took care of all the shopping because he felt Shea had been
too extravagant for buying ice cream for the kids.
Through the years Shea had tried to convince him that if she
had a job, she could help with the bills but he would make
her feel she was a lousy mother trying to escape her motherly
duties at home. The guilt always worked. She wanted to be a
great mother, and the children were more important than anything
to Shea. She always gave in to the guilt and just tried hard
to be the best wife and mother she could be.
More than anything, Shea needed communication and love from
Josh. But he was not much for idle talk and he forgot how to
show love to Shea once they were married. She tried to justify
the lack of affection and some of the cruel things he said
by thinking about how hard he worked. But that did not stop
the emptiness she had deep inside. She was lonely for him,
for affection, approval and communication. She had done everything
she could think of to get his attention to no avail. The only
thing he was willing to give her was criticism and very small
moments of intimacy during sex. She had forgotten how it felt
when they were dating when he treated her as though she were
important to him. She was tired of being alone six days a week
without anyone to talk to. Her gut was screaming for relief
from the isolation. She believed a job would be good not only
for her but also for the children. They could have new friends
to play with every day. She believed eight hours a day would
be enough of a break from her life with Josh. It might even
help their relationship by providing her with a little independence.
All Shea knew was that it was time for a change in her household.
She had learned if any change was going to take place, it was
up to her. If she did not do something soon, she felt as though
she would vanish completely or lose her mind. She had lost
her self-respect and it was time to gain it back. She hoped
a job would fill the void and give her a sense of belonging.
She would no longer have to beg Josh for his attention or for
money for every little thing she needed. She would have her
own source of income.
"What a great feeling that will be," Shea
thought. She couldn't really imagine what it would feel like
to actually be doing something other than being a mom or
wife, but she was anxious to find out. She had been starved
for adult interaction and for mental challenges. She had
wanted this opportunity for so long and now it was finally
here.
Now the hard part: telling Josh. The thought put her nerves
on end but somehow she had to find the strength to tell him.
She was terrified of his reaction, knowing he was going to
be really angry that she had gone somewhere without telling
him. She had put a lot of thought into her decision of searching
for a job for months and now that she had one, she had to follow
through.
When Josh came home that evening, his clothes were dirty from
the long day spent in the hot sun roofing a house. Josh had
been in construction for the last four years, and he worked
six days a week. Shea had a nice warm bath drawn for Josh to
soak away the aches and pains of the day. She had the children
bathed, dressed cute in their pajamas and standing at the front
door to welcome their daddy when he arrived.
By the time Josh had had a nice, long, relaxing soak, Shea
had the meal finished. She had prepared a beautiful dinner
and had it placed on the table. It was Josh's favorite meal:
pork chops, mashed potatoes with gravy, green beans and homemade
bread. She had prepared fresh strawberries with whipped cream
for dessert. She hoped his favorite meal would put him in a
more agreeable mood for the news she had to tell him.
Over dinner, Shea nervously rambled on about all the events
of her day with the children. As usual, Josh sat saying nothing
acting as though he were not even listening.
After dinner she tucked her little ones in bed with prayers
and goodnight kisses, then walked out closing the door behind
her. She hoped they would be asleep before she talked to Josh.
She always wanted to protect them from hearing any angry words.
She knew she could not wait too long because he was known for
falling asleep in his recliner not long after the children
went to bed.
Shea went back to the kitchen to clean up after the evening
meal while Josh sat watching TV. With each moment that passed,
Shea could feel apprehension building inside of her. She stopped
just for a moment thinking of what she would say and what the
best way was to tell him. Shea headed for the living room.
She had to get it out now.
"Josh, can we talk?" she asked,
as though she were a little mouse about to lose her life.
"Not if it is about you wanting more money. I just gave
you five bucks on Wednesday," he snarled.
"No, it has nothing to do with that," she
replied weakly.
"Well, what is it?" he snapped.
"Uh, well," Shea was so overcome
with fear she could not get it out.
"Well what Shea? What is it you have to say? I'm trying
to watch a show," he said, losing his patience.
"I got a job!" Shea did not
plan to say it quite that way.
"You what?!" Josh said angrily.
"I got a job today, now don't get mad just listen," Shea
pleaded.
"No. I am not going to listen. You are not working and
that is final," Josh said with a demanding tone.
"Yes I am!!!" Shea said firmly,
for the first time ever with her eyes locking on his. She
was sick to death of being told what to do, how to do it
and how badly she did it. She was going to work if it killed
her and by the look on Josh's face, she thought it just might.
"I won't allow it, period!!!" Josh
said as he crossed his arms and acted as though the conversation
was over.
"Well Josh, it's really too bad you feel that way because
I am going to work on Monday morning whether you like it or
not. I am sorry you feel that way. I have done as I have been
told for six years. Now I am going to do what I feel is best
for me and the children," Shea said, sounding tough but
feeling as though her knees were going to collapse.
"Oh sure. You're really worried about your children,
Shea. You are a selfish little bitch and you know it. Who in
the hell would ever hire you? What are you going to do, clean
someone's house?" he spat out hatefully.
"No, Josh, I got an office job and I will do a great
job. I can do more than clean house and take care of kids." Shea
was getting emotional.
"Oh, you gonna cry now Shea?" he
said trying to get to her.
"You know, nope, I am not going to cry. You aren't worth
shedding any more tears over. I am going to work and you can't
take that from me." And as Shea made her final, angry
statement she turned, walking down the hall to the bathroom
and locking the door behind her. As she stepped into the tub
she found herself smiling. She had never talked back to Josh
in all the years she had known him and it really felt quite
good.
After her bath, in bed alone, Shea was too excited to sleep.
She imagined herself behind the desk of her new office, she
mentally picked out what she would wear on her first day at
work and how she would do her hair. This was the biggest thing
that had happened to Shea in a very long time. To most people
it would have meant little, but to Shea it meant everything.
She knew this was just the first step she would take, with
many more to follow.
Copyright 2003 by Debi Baxter. All rights reserved.
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